Through the winter my way to home
by TheMagnaka
Summary: It was said that he had many hardships and adventures before he got back at home. But where truly was his home? AU Thilbo, fix-it post BotFA
1. Chapter 1

**Through the winter my way to home**

He pressed the soft kiss on Fili's forehead.

"Thank you."

He pressed the soft kiss on Kili's forehead.

"That you saved his life."

He pressed the very light kiss on Thorin's lips.

"I'm sorry from everything. Forgive me and farewell."

He looked the three sleeping form for a moment, and then limbed out of the tent where Gandalf waited him.

"Are you sure Bilbo, by leaving like this?"

"I have nothing in here anymore." Bilbo said his eyes most with tears and he looked the remaining Company. They were all alive, and it was good, it was enough to him. He smiled at them.

"I say my farewell to you all my friends."

Balin stepped forward.

"You're not well Bilbo. Stay. Wait Thorin and the lads to wake."

"I cannot stay." Bilbo sighed and suddenly his arms were full of Ori.

"Please, stay." Ori begged but Bilbo shook his head, holding the dwarf close.

"I can't. I just can't. Not after… "

They understood.

Thorin never lifted the ban over Bilbo.

He couldn't stay.

"The roads aren't safe." Dwalin muttered.

"Your wounds." Oin said with worry.

"You got hit in the head!" Bofur took Bilbo's face between his palms, worried to see how Bilbo couldn't focus his gaze.

"Thranduil has named me as elf-friend and blessed. I travel with them. They have good healers." Bilbo muttered.

They all looked worried and disappointed.

"Good-bye and good luck." Balin said finally accepting it all. "I'm sure that Thorin will call you when our halls are made fair once more."*

"We see that." Bilbo tried to smile but couldn't. "We see if you are right. And if you are passing my way, don't wait to knock. Tea is at four, but any of you are welcome at any time."*

Then he turned away. *

#

_*From The hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkien_

_English isn't my language so there is lot of mistakes and I'm not going to beta this right now._


	2. Chapter 2

He knew that it was wrong decision to leave, he's not made to travel right now, but he also knows that he couldn't stay. Gandalf is holding him when they ride with the elves.

"Thranduil, he's not well." He hears Gandalf saying through thick mist, but he isn't sure is the mist around them all, or just in his mind. Maybe both.

"I can help him when we are back in Mirkwood. Now, he just had to hold on." Bilbo hears elven king's words and tries to turn his head to look at him, but it just makes his world turn over and over again and again.

"Do you hear me Bilbo? Hold on, just hold on."

Bilbo tries to focus but his mind is numb. He hears the voices, the whispers around him, shooting him, demanding him to stay awake, but he's sleepy and deep inside he can feel the burning.

The mithril shirt protected him, mostly. But he got bruised and some broken ribs from hits. There is a deep cut in his left leg and many little wounds what are due to infect. And his head. The helmet was knocked off and he lost his consciousness and gained a head wound and concussion. He knows that the hit was bad. He has a growing headache, he can't focus his eyes normally.

"Gandalf." He slurs. Not good.

"You have high fever my friend. Couple hours and we are in the forest palace. Please, stay awake little longer."

"My… mistake…"

"Don't think about it now Bilbo."

"Miss… them… all…"

"You'll see them again in time. I'm sure of it. Bilbo? Bilbo? Can you hear me? Thranduil!"

_Thorin_, he thinks when the burnings takes him away.

#

When he next time woke up, it was night and there was just dim light coming from somewhere. He noticed the elf who was sleeping in near chair. Carefully, noticing that there was no pain left he studied his wounds. They were almost gone. How long he had been in sleep?

He got himself up with groan and for a moment he though that he couldn't breath properly but it passed and he lowered his feet on the floor.

It was hard to make the muscles to obey his will and taking support from bed and table and chair he forced himself walk. It was pure will when he got himself to the glass doors and opened them.

Snow, the whole forest was under the heavy blanket of snow. He leaned on the doorframe and let himself to slide down and welcome the coldness. It felt good.

He never noticed his tears on his cheeks when he watched the full moon.

"Thorin…"

The elf healer behind him let him be alone.

#

Thorin woke up in pain, gasping air, not understanding what was happening. There was only one though.

"Bilbo!"


	3. Chapter 3

"You slept over a month and couple of times we though that we lost you." Gandalf watched the hobbit who sat near the balcony's doors watching outside. Bilbo didn't said anything. He had barely eaten anything after he woke up previous night. Gandalf sighed and took deep breath of his pipe.

"I though, that maybe you didn't want to wake up at all."

That made Bilbo move, looking over his shoulder the wizard.

"Maybe it would have been best."

Gandalf frowned and shook his head. "No Bilbo, don't think like that. What ever Thorin did or said…"

"No. Do not speak about him to me." Bilbo hissed.

"You don't want to hear news from Erebor?"

"Why should I? They matter nothing to me. I'm going back to the Shire and forget that this never even happened." The fire in Bilbo's eyes actually frightened the old wizard but he hide it from his friend, though would Bilbo call him as friend anymore.

"You have chanced Bilbo Baggins."

"Remember what did you said when we spoke that night at Bag End?" Bilbo looked away.

"Yes."

"Then you got it."

"Bilbo…"

"Leave me alone."

"You can't bury yourself alive. You still have friends in Erebor and Thorin…"

"YOU DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT HIM!" Bilbo's chair fell to the ground when Bilbo jumped up in a rage. It was quite significant because the chair was designed with the standards of the Elves and the hobbit was like a child sitting in it. Gandalf sighed and closed his eyes and got up.

"Thranduil said that you are ready to leave after a week, but you can stay over the winter if you so wish then someone will escort you over the mountains to Rivendell. But if you wish to leave, I'll go with you."

Bilbo, standing there his hands pressed in tight fists, his eyes flaming, spoke through gritted teeth. "I'll go with you."

"Very well my friend. Try to rest. You need it. I come to see you tomorrow and we can look some maps and think our way."

Bilbo just nodded and Gandalf left him alone. He knew that he was acting more like a Took than Baggins, but he couldn't help it. Not respectful hobbit at all. He limped to the bed and buried his face to the pillow.

"Thorin, you promised, you promised…" he sobbed. "I'm so lost right now, but you broke your promises. You hurt me… You tried to kill me… You banished me from Erebor, from my friends… After everything what you said you just tossed me away… Because of some pretty rock and gold… I'm sorry Thorin, but I can't… I can't… "

He was asleep again when the healer came to look him, noticing that the Halfling had cried. Fast he checked the wounds, but knew that there was one wound what he couldn't heal and that it had taken the little creature in tight hold. He picked up the chair and sat to wait.

#

"He refuses to give us any news from Bilbo." Balin sighed and watched how Thorin walked back and forth in front of the fireplace.

"That blasted elf!" Thorin spluttered.

"You have to go after him Uncle." Kili said what seemed to be hundred time after Thorin had woke. "If you don't, I go."

"It's damn winter! There's no way that I can go through Mirkwood and over the mountains to the Shire in this time of year!"

"So you go?"

"I GO, ALRIGHT? I go, and…" Thorin sought support of the chair's backrest.

"You shouldn't drive yourself so worked up. You're not just yet in the healthy books." Dwalin helped his friend to sit and Thorin buried his face in his hands.

"I totally messed up with him. I promised to him and I broke every promises what I made."

"So bad?" Balin asked leaning forward. "Did you truly exchange promises? When?"

"At Thranduil's Halls, when…"

"Wow, you truly acted fast Uncle." Fili smirked though his cheerful tone and smile never reached his eyes. "Wasn't it at Beorn's place when you actually even said that you love him? Mere weeks before?"

"What kind of promises?" Balin asked ignoring the steaming prince.

"The words of Cesti Taerin." Thorin whispered. Kili opened his mouth to speak but snapped it fast shut. There were no words. Balin rubbed his forehead and eyes.

"There is no way that Bilbo knew those words."

"I of course translated them and explained everything. There is something very similar among the hobbits what they use so, I said the words of Cesti Taerin and he made his vow. It fitted, so perfectly."

"Why? Why you did that? And why by Maker you didn't tell?" Dwalin hissed.

"We didn't knew if we had enough time. We knew that the possibility to get out of Mirkowood was low and even lower was to defeat the dragon. We decided that we would repeat our vows front of everyone at the coronation." Thorin whispered.

"And so, instead in your Gold lust you almost killed your husband and banished him front of everyone." Kili summed it up. "This time Uncle you truly fucked up seriously. If you can get Bilbo back after that, well, then you are truly lucky. No one has ever broken the words of Cesti Taerin."

Balin studied his King, not yet crowned actually, thinking hard.

"And what were the promises of Bilbo? You said that he used his own vow. And how seriously hobbits takes the promises of marriage?"

Thorin's head snapped up and he seemed to look far away, past of his nephews.

"Oh no."

"So, it was more serious than our words of Cesti Taerin then." Fili muttered.


	4. Chapter 4

Beorn met them at the border of the Mirkwood with the sleigh so their journey to his Halls through the snow went easily enough. Bilbo was grateful. He was tired with many reasons and longed to his home. Previous night he had noticed the marks on his wrists and was torn between sorrow and longing. He couldn't say anything to Gandalf who surely had seen his growing distress.

But Beorn wasn't Gandalf and his heart tightened in his chest when he saw the wounded hobbit and his now very cold eyes instead the warmness that he had learned to see in them before the battle. He kept his eyes locked on the hobbit two whole days, letting him relax around him and then he saw it.

"Bunny…"

Bilbo closed his eyes briefly and Beorn couldn't but grin at the act. Bilbo hated the nickname and Beorn used it shamelessly. He lowered himself to watch his friend, as he though Bilbo was, though he wasn't sure what Bilbo himself was thinking. Fast but carefully Beorn took the wrist of hobbit's to his hands and turned them and saw the marks, the green leaves like tattoo all over his skin.

It was quiet before Beorn said anything and Bilbo looked near to panic.

"These are the marks of Yavanna." Beorn said, his tone maybe more serious than ever before.

"It's an honor to be claimed by Her." Bilbo muttered, not meeting the skinchanger's eyes. Beorn didn't swallowed it.

"I haven't heard anyone to be claimed by Her since… well, to be honest, in a very long long time. Why now? Hobbits are not her children, you bow no one. You do not make any promises to Her."

Bilbo flinced and Beorn frowned.

"You do?"

Bilbo hesitated but then seemed to surrender.

"We… We are proud people and we take our promises to our hearts, to our souls, we do them so that we can't go back. And sometimes, we ask some of the Valar their help. Once a life it's permitted to do, to ask. It's not done easily, usually no one ask in their lifetime for anything. It's…dangerous thing to do."

"But you asked something?"

"A vow."

Beorn waited when Bilbo struggled with himself.

"You know about dwarves' Cesti Taerin?"

Beorn nodded, "Their wedding wow. Yes. They marry once in their life, only with their One, like they calls it."

"It isn't easily broken." Bilbo muttered and then Beorn realized.

"But Thorin broke it. You and him… By Valar, Bilbo! You can't do that kind of vow unless…"

"I made a vow. I promised… to Yavanna... If… if…" Bilbo broke then. He started to cry. "It's… it's our… oldest… oath. When… when our people… travelled… Not yet in Shire…"

Beorn took him on his arms and hugged him and Bilbo buried his face to his friend's shoulder.

"I love him, I love him so much and he broke it, broke his promises!" Bilbo howled out his misery and Beorn couldn't do anything but hold him, to give him his support.

#

Thorin's hands shook when he looked at the old text what Ori had found. It had took long time to go through the library to find anything about hobbits, but Ori had done it. Now the result rested in Thorin's hands.

"Is it true?" Ori asked quietly, already read the text.

"If the other breaks their promises, She had all the rights to claim the other part as Her."

Ori hesitated, not sure he wanted to know but asked anyway. "What does that mean?"

Thorin didn't looked the younger dwarf, his eyes filled with tears. "It means that my One is dying."


	5. Chapter 5

_Haven't wrote anything for weeks and now I thought that I really should update this. Lots and lots of ideas but nothing good. Sigh._

#

Bilbo stared the dark sky. The wind was low and it was started to snow again. Valar it burned his soul. How he missed the sun. Gandalf wanted to ride forward toward the Rivendell, maybe the wizard though that Elrond would fix this.

_This_.

Bilbo raised his hand and stared the marks of ivy.

Bilbo knew better, only thing what he could do now was let him go.

Let the memory of Thorin go, but he was still clinging at the dream, willing it to last. But like always, dreams were dreams, and every time he closed his eyes Thorin was there, being a dream he couldn't touch or keep, and he couldn't handle it anymore. That empty feeling in the heart.

He had to let _him_ go.

There were tears on his cheeks when he knelt in the snow.

It would hurt because how much he loved the dwarf. He had should know better back then, but it had felt right thing to do.

So, it didn't last for eternity, he had been too reckless. He had gone too far and now he paid the price. For a moment he had thought that maybe it was worth the pain, leaving him breathless.

It was over now, went down with the flames of dragon. He had gained only a nasty scar and ripped heart.

"My Lady Yavanna." Bilbo muttered his hand searching the earth under the snow. His fingers dig through the frozen ground.

His mother had done this after Bungo had died. The memories of the dead husband too painful to her to carry, her heart broken and Bilbo still too young to be his own, so she had poured all of it to the earth, prayed the Green Lady to take away the pain. Back then Bilbo couldn't understand why she had done so. Now, he understood it perfectly.

Memory by memory he poured everything out of him, letting himself to just forget. The green leaves under his skin seemed to move and grow more and more reaching the heart of the hobbit.

"NO! BILBO!"

Someone took hold of his shoulders heaving him up, breaking the connection. He felt suddenly very dizzy.

"Bilbo, look at me. Try to focus. Yes, that's it. Why on earth did you do it?" Gandalf looked frantic when he watched Bilbo.

"Did what?" Bilbo blinked slowly.

"You…" Gandalf closed his eyes and seemed to be in some sort of pain, collecting himself. Bilbo looked around his surroundings.

"Where are we?"

"Where are we?" Gandalf repeated with a tiny voice. "Bilbo, we are in Beorn's Halls, heading toward Rivendell and back home to the Shire."

"Oh." Bilbo smiled. Everything seemed suddenly very bright. Gandalf placed his hands to Bilbo's temples and muttered something.

"Don't remember, how did we came here?" Bilbo asked bit confused and Gandalf let out deep sorrowful sigh and straightened.

"It doesn't matter now. Come. It's too cold in here. Lets meet Beorn. He's waiting us."

"Yeah, sure." Bilbo smiled. He felt happy, very happy, his mind flowing. He looked at his hands seeing the green leaves.

"She's waiting me." he looked up at old wizard, older than what he remembered him looked ever.

"Yes, she is. But come. Come my boy before she can claim you as her own before it's the time."

"Soon though. Soon I'm hers." Bilbo grinned, happy of the though being with his Lady.


End file.
